Monday, December 19, 2011

The FIRST blog from 2008 posted originally on FB. **this would be a good place to start**

This is the original post"Notes" or discussions I wrote when I opened up my business facebook account. Some of these points have been redundant, I know....but apparently it had been erased after some recent changes on the offical FB site. I was recently made aware that THIS start of the story wasn't even here to begin with.(shout out to my new "friend" I met in the check out line at Albertsons-you know who u are-) So if YOU are NEW to Me...Meganisms or Graciecakes with Glistening Grace- just start here and work on back...
My name is Megan, and I must take this opportunity to tell you my story and to share that God answers prayers. Remember 1min is to 1,000yrs to God, and I prayed desprately for a child for over 8yrs-God really did it in less than 10minutes!So I guess I was impatient for no reason-God says "Ask and you shall recieve" I did- and He answered my prayers immediatly in His timing.I am born and raised in Shreveport, married to my high school sweetheart. We certainly imagined thats how our story would continue to unfold-like the typical fairy tale. Our lives were drastically changed when at 21, I was diagnosed with heart disease with absolutely no family history. We were just starting to rebuild our lives when in October of 2008 I lost consciousness , although I don't remember I can tell you that I drifted across 3 lanes of traffic while entering I-20. I was on the phone with my mother as my car rode the railing over 50 feet in the air until my car finally came to a stop. After a follow up with my cardiologist he said he thought I'd suffered a "cardiac arrest" which is where your heart completely stops. Most people are not as fortunate, and must have their heart shocked back with a defibulator and some do not ever wake up. I was scheduled for heart surgery a month later. To place a pacemaker/defibulator or monitor. They didn't actually know what they would do until the actual surgery. I was also told that I couldn't get pregnant as carrying a baby would put too much strain on my heart. During that month long waiting period, we were contacted concerning a local girl who was planning to put her baby up for adoption and hadn't decided on an adoptive family. I immediately contacted my cardiologist as I was unsure of the recovery time after my impending surgery. We met with the birth family and decided that it was a match! Many of my friends actually encouraged me to decline the offer. They were afraid of the stress it may cause if the plan fell apart as the state of Louisiana allows the birth mother 5 days after the birth to change her mind. After much prayer my husband and I were prepared to go forward. This is something typical God would do-send us a baby while awaiting heart surgery. I used that time to convince myself that I must survive the surgery and get strong enough to be the mother I'd always imagined. The surgery was a success-and my cardiologist found a birth defect in my heart and was able to correct the problem for now. Two weeks into my recovery our daughter Sara-Grace was born, and we were there for the whole thing and brought her home without a nursery prepared! We named her Sara:because she was the one in the Bible who had a child in God's timing. Grace: because it was certainly by God's grace we were given this child. I now take daily medication to maintain a somewhat normal life along with a healthy lifestyle. Since I am unable to hold a full time job, I stay at home with our daughter. This business was solely created for me to find a way I could stay at home, stay well and make some extra money to help pay for the finances we weren't prepared for. After much prayer and thought-I came up with "Graciecakes with Glistening Grace" Please enjoy

Monday, August 1, 2011

Uncertian-but CERTIANLY true...

Well how busy it has been here. We are on the job hunt. Tring to locate a job worth taking- to bring our Daddy home. I am so blessed that I have the man in my life that actually WANTS to be home with me right? I have so many thoughts about such a life changing moment in our lives. As the oil spill in the Gulf has changed so many lifes of families who's jobs were effected-it's strange to think after this many months- that it's still affecting lives. Of all those who have lost their livelyhood just after it happened, and the miltitude of wifes who's husband who could't provide for them- after one spill- and the multitude of children who's daddies didn't have jobs, its hard to imagine that we are potentially in the same perdiciment. Now-after all the layoffs that we survived. Round one- then two and then round three. Of the men who were demoted or "bumped" down or like us-the ones who's hours changed so drastically-these few of us families who survived. We have been so grateful that we just had a daddy with a job. When the 14on and 14 off then switch to 21 on and 21off we remained happy that we just had a "job". The time has come where- a decision has to be made-in weighing-how worth all the effort and time spent away really all is.
Now-that all the rigs are moving overseas-to employee the thousands of non american men-who I am sure need jobs-it's becomming more clear to me that this American woman- wants her American man at home.
As this chapter-in our lives is unfolding, it's kinda scarey to think of walking away. Or waiting til the final layoff finally reaches us. We are all affected. The household conversations that are taking place everywhere right now-I know that our problems seem so small. So even looking at this as just a season of change. The decisions and things that need to be addressed are scarey and so adult-I can't help but to remind myself of how far we have really come. That we are finally old enough to make life changing decisions like this- or to have life altering events make them for us. I am just glad that no matter what happens or what's decided. That I have my family- that at least wants to be together. I know that with so much that is yet undecided-I know that the one thing that IS, is that God will provide. I look around me and remember that God did- provide me with what I needed. He gave me the strength to rise above my health and give me a reason to become strong, He gave me the daughter that I was ALWAYS meant to have, and He gave me the husband that would be strong enough for the both of us on the days that I am not- and He has given me the tangable reminder of my Faith-in this precious gift in Sara-Grace. I can't help but to look around this house, and down the hall at my daughter's room that is finally filled with the baby I had always dreamed of- and with so much uncertianlty-He had given me CERTIAN truth. The TRUTH that He is always with me, and that none of this is by chance. None of any of this is by chance, and that He is the one that is in control. And I am just so grateful that-when moments like this rock my boat-and the waves of doubt rush over me- the calm in the storm is steadfast and true. The Lord is with me....

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

The 2yrs worth of housework finally has caught up with me...the price I pay for the memories I've made.

you know- I look around this mess of a house- and was getting overwhelmed a bit-wondering how in the world we aquired all this stuff.All this stuff thats not relavant,where did it all come from? I keep pulling things from the cabinets and closets I haven't seen in years, and then it hits me-I remember, for the past two years I have been shoving everything in those cabinets and closets.
Back when I told myself- that these days of Sara-Grace being so small I could rock to sleep- and the days that she's begging for me to hold her-I told myself it would be just a moment in time-that I'd never get back and I wasn't wasting any of those precious moments on house work-the house work would still be there-I'd say: and sure enough, now these days she can put herself to bed- and doesn't need to be held as often, and is becomming more independant has left me more time to actually aknowledge the mess I've closed the door to this entire time. So now, yes now- two years later-I am finally catching up on the past two years of housework-organizing and purging.In the grand scheme of things- that dirty floor, that I chose not to mop-because Sara-Grace said "Mommy hold me" and I did...I'm just so glad I went against my instincts-and I chose the time with my baby-I would so regret looking back now wishing that I'd waited on cleaning the bathroom just to get that one night back to rock her to sleep-I can honestly say-I don't have a moment in Sara-Grace's life I wish I could get back- and do again, I can look back and know I didn't miss anything, I don't wish I'd done anything diffrent, I have cherished every single moment and second that God has given to me with this precious child of mine. I am so grateful to have a husband-who ,didn't demand perfection from me, and who works so hard to provide a life that I can stay home and be here with our baby, if it meant we had to live in a cardboard box-I'd still stay home, to be here with her for every moment I begged God for . So to all the new mothers: yes it's true- the time with your baby is so limited, enjoy and cherish it. The sleepless nights are to be moments you thank God for-when you rock them back to sleep-but as they say "the housework will still be there" and I am a testiment-in the long run it's worth it-but my advice is to plan on budgeting for a maid when your finally ready to get

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Mother's Day in a Hooters shirt...

Sitting on my back steps wearing a Hooter's of New Orleans shirt, I'm watching my husband and daughter use sidewalk chalk-I'm thinking about Mother's Day tomorrow, and thinking it's probably not appropriate to leave my house now in it. Funny-I really didn't know how having children would change your entire way of thinking. Thinking about how you'd embarrass them-or yourself-thinking about "being somebody's mother". Meaning even when I'm out and about with out her-I still have to think"I'm somebodys mother" and so I gotta dress and act like it-when shes with me or not. I like the best of them-like flattering cloths, and"good fitted"tops, and never minded showing off what "God let me buy" but-I don't know if it's finding GOd again, or being the mother or both, or maybe getting old, but I'm glad to have someone to embarrass, and I like having to sensor my conversationsa dn tv-because without all the little things,like the broken up crayons and undressed baby dolls that lay naked all over my house, and the pile of stinky diapers that stay outside my door almost all the time-It would mean I didn't have this...all this-looking around, THIS is exactly what I asked for.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Jealous or Just on my own...

Its seems like when my Justin comes home- I'm busier than ever-I thought it would be the other way around, where I'd get a break. But No...I am happy when he's home though, he is truly my best friend and I can tell him anything. Really-we tell eachother everything. This go round,we made a promise to not have any secrets, and so we are not bound by the lies that we so often tell ourself to try and justify our actions. I love that about him. I have heard from other friends that are married that do not tell eachother everything-and I used to fit in that know this year we will have been together as longs as we were apart, meaning we were just 15 when we started dating-and being thirty this next year-it's hard to believe it's been that long.But to stand the test of time-we must be doing something right. I imagine it's our friendship. It's hard when he's at work-because I don't have him at my disposal-and til now,have depended mostly on my parents. But my parents seem to be busy with their own lifes,and I have been shifted to the back of the priority list. It's occured to me that reaching this milestone, that one would have expected it sooner-but truthfully-I did'nt expect it at all. I was the type person when everything eventfull happened to me-I called my dear mother to share the news. Our family dynamic has changed though and although I totally understand why,I am suprised and hurt. I'm sure some don't have pity for me-but you have to admit,that it's reasonable for me to feel shafted. To spare you all the details, my mother had us three kids by her first husband. My father-her second husband-adopted me when I was younger-and I was raised like an only child. My brother and sister are 11 and 15 years older than me, and have had kids of their own a long time ago-so we have never had too much in common, until I got Sara-Grace. In fact I remember my highschool graduation and my sister flew in from Misourri and I had some of my own friends say-"I didn't know you had a sister" such as the story of my life. But now for whatever reason-my brothers two oldest children are living with my parents-and bless their hearts-need all the attention I imagine. I have to say though I feel shafted. I will go to my parents house-and it seems like there is an argument every time I go-and it's always "my fault" usually my "attitude". I continued to go over-and call. But as of this morning-it's finally dawned on me that I am growing up. I have a friend that I said I knew was brought into my life because she was so much like me-in her own way we had alot in common. I always have said that I knew she was a part of my life because when I lost my mother-she'd be the one I talk to. I sopose she'd be the one to call over my stupid little funny things. But this morning-it came to me that it might be that God sent her to me for this moment right here. I am soposed to be in a meeting in a few hours and she was soposed to come with me-my mother that is-and she informed me this morning that she was busy with something else today. Now why she couldn't have told me this yesterday or the day before when I was over there-I do not know. So after spending the morning in tears I have decided that I will pick myself by my bootstraps-and depend on God. I think that I am definatly sad over my mom- and I feel like she owed me an explaination-and I know she's been put in an odd situation-but I can't help but feel resentful. I am resentful to my brother for getting to the point that he would allow his children to life with anyone other than himself-and to put the responsibility on "my" parents financially and "time" wise was selfish. I am very angry at him- and I don't know in light of everythin thats gone one- if I will ever be able to forgive him. But I must say that I feel resentful tward his kids. Aweful-I know. but it's the truth. They are "my" parents. It seems like ever since they have had the kids(who are teenagers by the way) they are too busy for me. The thing is- that one of my concerns-is the fact that my parents will spend all this energy and then later have the rug pulled out from under them. Again. I mean-my parents have never had the relationship between my siblings-as they have with me, and I have been used to it. Why shouldn't I be. I have been the number one priority for how many years now-and the apple so to speak of both their eyes- but now I feel like theyv'e moved on. My worldly side- and my natural reaction is to be vindictive-and angry-and keep my child from attending the preschool where my mother teaches. And my reaction is to be mad at all of them-I do feel like Iv'e had a loss though. I am grieving this loss of my childhood-which seems to have all started with the dumb dog. I'm saying that since my dear Angel went onto be with the Lord- I have been resisting the change. The change in the perception of my life. The dog represented the child like me- she was a part of my every memory with my husband. Whn I've been alone- even though I have another dog- I depended on her to keep me company. 14 years worth of company- and whn I moved to Illinois a few years I did have to go for a brief time without her-but I eventually brought her along. So in essence the dog was my saftey net. Now I kinda feel like I'm alone. I will recognize that the Holy Spirt is telling me that I am not alone. And I can do this- I can be the mother of this house. Like my husband said- I am the one that he and Sara-Grace depend on. And as much as I depended on my parents- now I have to be the "mother". I am the glue that hold "this family" together. Like my husband said we are a family. We are my family. This is my family. here-is where I belong. being the backbone of this household- and isn't that our goal. In most instances-what we all want to achieve. I did anyway-I wanted to be the housewife-and the mother. I always said that's what I wanted to be- and now, it's just now occured to me that- instead of me "becomming" this mom-this wife-and this glue that holds "this family" together-I already "AM"...

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

The adult me-that's evolving-sometimes suprises even me...

If I could make a face using a colon and parenthesis showing you my fingers in my ears and steam coming out behind them, with my eyes quenched up and my tongue out- I would be beginning this post with one...
Don't ask me why- because I've asked myself and I can't seem to really answer my own question. I'm at a place currently - where, I have really been adjusting to the changes in my household. I have no longer my constant companion- (my dead dog-Angel) and now for the first time in nearly 14years am adjusting to NOT having my first born furry child.
It seems that every thing sad in my life, the loss of the two pregnancy's the loss of my fertility, my health and the loss of some friendships and family members in the last 8-10years have all just accumulated and I haven't dealt with any of the sadness or loss until now. I feel like for the first time in my life- that I have had to take some accountability for my actions.With the loss of our shared dog- it's the end of an era, the end of the child like part of ourselves and our relationship. The loss of Angel-is the end of us as kids- and the beginning to being parents to a human baby this go round, and being the grown up versions of ourselves.
It's easy for me to always blame my husband for all my craziness when we were in college-meaning: I was very sheltered until I met him- he taught me many ways of the world, and I often will convince myself that I would have never jumped off the deep end- if he hadn't first. So there has been a level of accountability that I have not taken accountability for. So it seems that somehow- in loosing our dog, it has triggered something in me. I don't know if it's the act of making the first real adult decision in having her put to sleep and having done that has aided me into feeling more adult minded. It was a very grown up decision to decide to do that (how's that for a "run on" sentence?!) But nonetheless- I've been giving my past a little review, and realizing that I need to take ownership for my past decisions, good and bad.
And in this prayerful meditation- the Holy Spirit keeps reminding me that "once you are saved-you are always saved" Once you are a parent- you have unconditional love for your child- and now I can see how God has unconditional love for us as His children. So in taking a look at my prior convictions- as the devil tries to tell me-I'm worthless-and not good, and damaged merchandise. The Lord keeps reminding me that I AM as pure as the freshly fallen snow. That His Son He sent to us- washed me clean of anything I could ever regret or be embarrassed or feel guilty for. So as my flesh wants to harbor on the negative things, and beat myself up- and tell myself I do not deserve this life or my child or my marriage, the Lord keeps instilling in me- that I am forgiven- all has been forsaken,and since Jesus has taken my sin and my embarrassment and my guilt- I have nothing to be shameful of. So I can be joyful in the Lord, I can be joyful for what I do have, and I do not owe anything to be able to live freely. I don't have to sit and wonder when the rug will be pulled out from under us- and these blessings will be snatched away from us. God has forgiven me-and the debt has been paid- and I as the child of God that I am- do not owe any debts because my Father bailed me out already..."There is joy in the presence of the angels of God when one sinner changes his heart and his life." Luke 15:10 NCV.(my daily devotional today- funny how God gives you what you need- when you need it)

Friday, April 8, 2011

I am realizing that being grown- isnt the number-age you are. Its the amount of hard stuff you have to do. Like it ALL falls on ME to clean my house-and I am getting together all my junk for a garage sale and wiping the house out-anything not used in 2months is gone! You think I'm joking? Not-No No I'm Not!!

You know it's this way... I was holding onto so much "stuff" I thought the "sin" would be to sell it after I selfishly bought it at some ridiculus price etc- so Ive held onto everything- and since I didnt carry a baby- I can still fit into cloths from highschool-10yrs later I may add..whhoo hoo So it dawned on me the other day that it would be a sin- so to speak to keep all this when there really are people that need it. And I have grown in my spiritual journey since I hit 29ys old,lol and I know all I need is Christ and the family and I can walk anywhere with the cloths on my back, and God will provide. You know recently there have been some things that have come up-that have really made me stop and think about it all. And I really realized I am NOT scared anymore. I'm not scared to go anywhere-now I avoid harmful things of course but I am not scared to walk into a room and just talk to anyone-because I feel like God willl lead me to the conversation I was soposed to have with them,and now that we have put Angel down-I am experiencing-a shift-so to speak. The last 14 years, when Justin is gone for work or any reason. I always had Angel- to hear a "booger" comming and protect me. And now the house is so very quiet-and I find myself sitting in the quiet making stuff up that I hear- and get scared. Its occured to me this last night that God wants me to rely on Him again. So when I am alone-I am soposed to ask HIm for help-and rely on Him and not the dog. Which is weird to do-because its almost like what on earth will God do if someone breaks into my house and kills me, dont get any ideas-you pyscos that are reading this. But God may not come rushing to my aid-but that person will be judged. They will have to be acocuntable to God-and I can let Him take care of that. So eventually they would be causght- and if not here on earth, they will when they meet their maker-remembering to the "time change" in heaven: its only a blip in time before we all Get to heaven-and so when you think about all these people that are free-walking around doing crimes-and unchristian things. Its sometimes agravating to think they do what they want and get away with it- or for so long-but now that I think about's just a few minutes here we spend on earth to God-but eternity is forever.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Go Red Barbie-?

So I was dressed like the Go Red Barbie Doll for Shreveport, Louisiana's American Heart Association Campaign "Go Red" for women. The deal is: I bought my dress a long time ago-because I fell in love with it. Then I was given the Go Red doll as a gift because -I was a big Go Red fan and supposedly looked enough like a Barbie doll. Then when I realized that MY dress was like the Barbie dress I thought it was too weird. So after all the events I've spoken at and the attention I am tring to get toward "young" women and heart disease-I think I've found my niche. The fact is:it's kinda strange that I look enough like the doll in the first place with that dress-but to actually have a survival story of me and my journey through heart disease and the cardiac arrest-I kind of feel like-I should be the real spokes person-not only for Shreveport media but for the Barbie company itself- Its certainly not me that I want the attention for-I want to have a face to heart disease that is young enough to make a difference. The fact of the matter is- They are always so surprised that I am the one who is a survivor which cracks me up because- I suppose it's society's impression that people with chronic illnesses have to look like rag dolls and not Barbie dolls, but I feel like the rag doll on the inside sometimes. I know that it may sound conceded but its not meant to be. I am realizing God has given me this whole package as a gift and He expects me to tell the world-about His Grace and love and answering prayers-and secondly sharing the story of survival and bringing awareness to the heart associations. So here's the plan: I am posting my speech that I stood on the stage and read in front of 400 guest and media, and I know that God gave me these words and told me what to say-if He wants this to be my platform to the public so that they will listen to my story in order to "hear" all the things I say about how God is my reason I survived and how God is the only reason I have been given my daughter, the fact that God sent me our little girl just weeks after my cardiac arrest and heart surgery-I know to give me a reason to want to be alive. The heartbreak I felt over the miscarriages and the infertility and the endometriousis and the fact that I couldn't have the one thing I wanted-a child, was the worst heartache there was for me-the irony that my heart literally was breaking while getting the final diagnosis and the news that I couldn't pursue the pregnancy we had tried so hard for-our journey through the adoption process and the legal hoops we had to all jump through in order to be able to bring this baby girl home from the hospital with only weeks of learning of her existence, its all a miracle-its all Gods doing-and how can I NOT share my story?So if this is the door God is opening for me to use -I have to walk on through it. It's not for the glory of myself-its not to be held on a stage and fawned over and told how much I look like the Barbie doll-but some people might think it would be-but I am willing to be the vessel that God can use to share the word and love of Christ. Without Him-I wouldn't even be alive,and I wouldn't be a mother. So below I will post my short speech, so read on.-So here goes nothing-Here's to looking like every little girls dream-even if it is a "heart disease" Barbie doll. Ha! So Morgan Fairchild- spoke first, then a few others and then me-So with as little time I had on the stage at the luncheon-I had to manage and make the most crucial points-but remember if you need to fill yourself in on the whole long version of the story-it's all on facebook- Graciecakes with Glistening Grace.

Hello-my name is Megan Heiserman McIntyre and I'm from here, in Shreveport. I know some of you have heard my story, but some of you haven't. It's important to understand as you see me stand before you dressed like this Barbie Doll, looking young and vibrant; underneath this I am struggling to survive with heart disease. I stand here strong enough to be your Go Red Barbie today but only after a long journey to get here.I want to remind you that things aren't always what they seem and appearances can be deceiving. Heart disease is becoming known as the "silent killer" among women but today I want to break the silence and give a voice and face to the definition of Heart Disease. At 21 I was diagnosed with a heart condition after symptoms of fatigue,dizziness,and blurred vision prompted me to see my doctor. With no family history, we were certainly surprised at the lifestyle changes I would have to make and the amount of medication I would take on a daily basis. 24 months ago, I was behind the wheel of my car when I suddenly lost consciousness with no warning. I later found out I was one of the lucky 5% that survive a "sudden cardiac arrest". I was scheduled for heart surgery a month later and told that I would never be able to pursue my dream of carrying my own child. At the age of just 26, I suffered a "sudden cardiac arrest", had heart surgery and adopted our miracle baby girl who gave me strength to survive the surgery and work almost daily in cardiac rehab to regain my strength, so that I could be the mother I always wanted. God has a purpose for me to tell this story. That it can happen to anyone at any age and can drastically change your life. The Shreveport American Heart Association has been instrumental in raising money for research such as our own LSU med center and finding out ways to prevent heart disease in young women and in giving medication to the people like me who's lives depend on that research. The Heart Association is a vital part of that research and in educating the public on the new standards of heart disease in young women. I urge you today to consider the possibility that my story could be your story or your mother,sister or friend. Please help us raise money to continue this research for Shreveport Survivors like me. Thank you.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Our beloved Angel is returning home...

wow- where do I begin? The easy story is that Justin and I met in HS at Evangel when we were 15 years old- by the following Christmas we were 16 and he bought me a puppy with a bow around her neck for my present- of course he'd done his research and planned a big dog for my protection when we would eventually move to college and grow up etc- then he researched the fact that labs temperment was good for kids for the fact that we would have kids some day when we grew up- and she was soposed to stay with him and his family week days and come to my house when Justin came. As a puppy and a lab of course she chewed everything- and one day Justin called and said he was done- I either had to come get her to live with me and my parents or he was giving her away-I know hed never have done that but nonetheless my mother and I drove out to Justin and his moms to pick up our beloved pet. Then she became a fixture in our home. So all through HS we had our shared dog and she was our child- and we took her everywhere. Then the day came for college- and Justin went onto live in Illinois before me since he had to start football that summer and when I follwed- the places in Illinois didnt allow pets- since it was a college town the only places that were available renting spaces were further away from the school and more expensive and had waiting list- so I went without her. Then Angel stayed with my parents in the port city. 6months without her and we finally got the condo wed been waiting on and were so excited to finally bring her home to us- all the many many 15hours or 18hr road trips to Illinois and Shreveport and Misourri time after timeAngel went along. I have never been on a road trip that Ive not taken her- when we go to hotels we take her- she is our child. Then we got Angel a dog-that was the maltiese Bruizer. long story there- but nonetheless he was a rescue-so Angel had always been considered a child and Bruizer the pet. So then when Justin and I were apart for that bit both dogs stayed with me. Then Angel was diagnosed with Breast cancer- even though she had been spayed and her chances were slim in the first place- she got breast cancer- so since at that time we had been angery with one another we wernt speaking regularly and when she was diagnosed I was so upset that I called him to share the news. I was thinking that she would die within days and that he deserved to see her and spend some time with her as well- so continued months of joint custody with our dog. Every weekend he was to meet me to pick her up and by weekends end he dropped her off and so on and so on. Then as each time we met- we started talking a bit more and more and each visit that we were exchanging the dogs bed and bowls and medicines and such we were rebuilding the marriage that I thought we had destroyed. We because of Angel- were forced to get along "for the children" and forced to talk and see eachother and I let him into my life a bit more and more each time- then finally came the day we offically were moving back into together and living as the McIntyre family again- and Angel was so happy to be reunited in our california king sized bed right between us. We have always bought our cars- with her in mind- was her black hair gonna stick to tan interior? So I have always gotten black- the the bed size- I thought about Justin being 300lbs football player and Angel and Bruizer sleeping with us so we opted for the california king sized bed to fit us all in. Then our funiture and sheet sand everything has always been planned around Angel. Every year we have been suprised that it was another year with our Angel-Then as her cancer progressed so came the tumors and eventually the cancer spread to her bones and the vet said it was all out of her control and Angel still kept trucking. Shes been hanging on this whole time- now in pain, and skinny from nutrition issues and loosing her hair she stays misrable and uncomfortable and sometimes cant breath and pants constantly because she has so many tumors inside her body-that she is running out of room, she has the seizure like twitches and cant ever get comfortable and its obvious that shes misrable, she grunts and moans and shakes and scratches and pants and sometimes latley has accidents in the house. Its been a few years of pretty hard work to keep her comfortable and with us- but she is our first born child. We introduced Angel to her little sister "Sara-Grace " when we brought her home the first time- and now after so many many months of this we finally are both mutually agreeing that its time. We always said from the begininng that if we both felt like it needed to be done we had to agree on it-and we have sat on this decision awhile. I have spent countless months in tearful prayer begging God to take her in her sleep- I would cry out to God to please please please dont make me do this and just take her peacfully in the night- and night after night it hasnt happened- and its come to a point where we have trouble leaving the house- when we leave sometimes even a minute theres an accident of some sort or a mess shes made or something shes gotten into- the yelling and fussing at her because all the training and smarts she used to have she acts like she never knew because she cant see or hear us very well-
So as tears are falling from my eyes while I write this- I am finally announcing out loud that we have made an appointment for Angel to meet her maker on Saterday. So after years of joking we have always said she could have all the choclate and fast food and all the stuff dogs are not soposed to have before wed have to do this and true to our word we will spend all day tomorrow letting her eat til her hearts content, and making the local roundfor our families to say their goodbyes. I cant understand why God makes us go through this-I struggle with the guilt I feel over telling myself I am murdering my child- and I am a horrible person for doing this to her although I know I am actually doing this for her and because I want her to be healed and whole again in heaven. So this weekend- we will spend with our family- in tearful goodbyes and talking about memories . And Saterday morning we will drive to my parents to take Sara-Grace to stay while we take Angel to the vet. The plan is to stay with her but I dont know how I can do this and stay calm- I dont want to upset her and make her panic-but I cant help knowing she will never wake back up-so as Jusitn pointed out, its another first for us. So many things we have only experienced together-we started this journey with her and now we have to finish together. My God I cry out to you for peace in my spirit and peace for my husband and our families- God please give me the strength to be there with her as she falls asleep and please give us peace when when come home to the quiet house. Please heal our broken hearts as we come back home to pack up her bowls and cloths and beds and give us the strength to lean on eachother. God heal my heart- because it is breaking. God make me whole again because I feel like a part of me is being torn out of me and I ask you to remind me of how much good and how many things we have to be happy about and over the next few days and weeks and months I ask- when everyone else forgets about her- and has moved onto never remember her with us- I ask that you allow us to look fondly on our memories we have shared with her. We thank you for all the years we have had with this Angel of ours and thank you for the calm spirit she has provided for our household when we needed it- we thank you for the common bond we share with her and the active role she played in putting this family back together. God as hard as this is- I ask you to take her home.

Grace-by the grace of god I AM good enough!!!!

You know that we have been throught quite alot, God has given us so much- He has restored our marriage, from when I thought our mistakes were unmendable and the hurt we'd caused. Then now to be still standing the test of time- and in just 8 more months celebrating our 10 years of being married to eachother. Then to find out that my health was the way it was and although that hasn't changed-God has allowed me to learn how to put the tradegy of bad health to good use- and educate women and the statistics of heart disase and then to find out that the pregnancy we had tried so much for and spent so many hours in the fertility clinic and so much of our money to find out that after half way through our exciting time of expecting our baby-that we would ultimatly not be ending that pregnancy with a child. Then to be told that we wouldn't be able to be a couple to bring children into conventionally-to having Sara-Grace thrown into our hearts. Not to mention-our home, we own, our cars we own, and all our worldly possesions that are paid for without oweing any debt to any credit card companies or lawyers or anyone. To be just sitting back and able to enjoy eachother and our child and be able to give back to God by doing what He has asked of us- by all of us: to simply lead others to him
My husband, Justin asked me. Do I ever wonder why we have been given so much? When we have done so much wrong? Meaning the peroid of time we did everything possible to eachother to destroy our marriage when we were younger- why. When we had sinned so terribly and been so wrong and both fallen so far away from God. Why? Why now would we have so much-and why now after all that wrong-would all our prayers be being answered now? What have we done to deserve any of this? I said but Justin- thats the point. We ARE the defination of GRACE. God gave us Grace- because He knew we'd never be perfect enough to come to Him alone- that we all would need the forgiveness and the blood Jesus shed for us- that WE, OUR story and our past-had to be aweful and we have to have so much shame and guilt or we wouldn't understand the sacrifice that God really did do for us-in giving us His son. I was explaining that- now- I'm starting to understand that church and God isn't about- filling out your head count- and making sure you are accounted for in your church pew every sunday- that it doesnt matter where you are- and thats why I alternate between 3 diffrent area churches depending on my mood- because I don't care who is preaching and I don't care who sees me and where I am- because the reason I go- is so that I can be in the house of God and I can stand in a place where I know He is present and I can let myself fill my spirit back up with all the goodnesss you feel when you do go-I go to fuel my tank so that I can go back out into this world the rest of the week and feel prepared to fight the temptation and spiritual warfare that I will be up against the next week. I reminded him that sure, we have a gas station that we frequent up the street- that we have a favorite place thats close that we'd rather go to- but we run out of gas all over town- and we have to stop and fill up our tank every where- and it doesn't really matter when it all boils down gas is all gas- whether it's Shell or Chrevron. And its between me and God- its about me and God- and church isn't about making sure you sit in that chair on your best behavior, and having to only attend church if you DIDN'T sin all week-church- is just the place - we congregate,together as individual sinners- to knee before God and admit that we sinned the week before and to praise Him for giving us this gift of GRACE to allow us to walk in His presence. So yes- as you may sit here and know our own personal journey- and you may think back on your own personal sin and think that you are not able to go before God -remember thats exactally what He wants of us- to come and be before Him. Me and Justin and all the bad things we have ever done in our lifetime -or all the good deeds we do accompliish-or awards or donations or charity work we do-do not dictate whether or not God will love us- Come to Him as you are and by the GRACE of God we are all covered...

Sunday, February 27, 2011

story of my life

It's been awhile since I've had the time to write- I'll try and be better about that-but it's been crazy here the past few days.
Between the Mardi Gras Parade parties, and the new neighbors moving in next door- opening and closing their doors every few seconds outside my bedroom window, and the poor old dog of ours having her seizures and SG waking up and cring for me to hold her I am only getting a few hours of sleep- I feel so exausted as it is- I mean come on!!! Cant I catch a break and at least get a good night's rest- not having 8-9hours of sleep really sets me off-I cannot function I feel like I can't breath, and sitting up- I have trouble catching my breath feeling like I can't take a deep breath at all, then whenever I do anything- remotly useful- I get so tired I have to lie down again- so yes- I need all that beauty rest. I'm not being high maintiance, well not superficially anyway.
Wouldn't you know last week- Justin still drives his old silverado from highschool and its what he will drive to work and park there for the three weeks- and its already falling apart- the window is not functioning and you have to crack it so it wont rattle, then the seat wont lock in place so when I drive it- I put a cinder block in the floor board to prop the seat still from sliding- once I was driving and when I hit the gas going up a hill my seat flew back and my foot fell off the gas- and I was so far back I couldnt reach the pedals and was holding on the steering wheel tring to pull my weight forward and reach the petal so I could go because by that point the crowd behind me was honking for me to go- so needless to say- Its the work truck, we drive my little car mostly. So the brakes decide to stop working well the other day - and wouldnt you know all the brake fluid was leaking out and as long as we could keep the brake fluid in there- it was fine because it was a slow leak but this happened the day before he was leaving which didnt leave us time to get it fixed and he decided to drive it anyway and just refil the fluid frequently til he gets home- so Justin was running his errands to go to work-he had been out getting gas , brake fluid etc and stopped to get us some McDonalds and brought it home- he was soposed to pick up a perscription as well while he was out- and when he walked in the door-I asked where it was, he said "hed forgotten it but since it was just up the road-he would run get it" he took my car which was behind blocking his in-so SG and I were going to wait for him to be back and eat- so there sat our food. Then he calls me and said that he had just been hit-right down at the stop sign by our house- I mean he got 12 houses away- was minding his own business at the stop sign about to turn and a girl pulled out and got t-boned in front of him and slid into the front end of my car- wouldn't you know. So he's down there with the police etc- and I wasn't gonna drive the truck since he hadn't put the fluid in it yet for the brakes so I packed SG up in the stroller and we headed down the block to see how bad it was. The poor girls car was totaled- tottally crushed in the pasenger side- and the guy who hit her's truck wasnt in too bad of shape but then my poor cars fron end on the driver side had been pushed in and the bumber totally shot- it is still drivable but the door is jammed and you have to pull it open and now its all rattling and of course the bumber is draging the ground, but its drivable! So we finish all our paper work and they said I could see the report in 3days at the station-because would't you know- this means that I wil be taking care of going to the police station and getting a report and taking it to my insurance carriers and then finding a place to fix my car and getting it fixed without a car to drive all with SG under foot all while Justin is gone- wouldnt you know it would happen to me that way-So now come Monday hopefully I can get something acomplished and the ball rolling on getting it fixed- and it will all be done before Justin returns-and once again the mess will be all cleaned up for him, must be nice- so the past few days with all this going on- I've been slightly stressed which sucks the life right out of me- and leaves me tired and now having had my flu shot and feeling flu"ey" from that and the sleepless nights-I swear....its the story of my life. At least Ive had a chance to get my nails done- thats nice with no make up on and my hair in a bun pulled on top of my head and still in my pjs I can look down at my nails and see how pretty my french manicure is- that makes me feel better, even if everything else is falling apart-my nails look nice.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Wouldn't you know this WOULD happen to me?

So who would you guess would go into a public bathroom and use the restroom right next to a complete male stranger while he stood using a urinal?
Oh that's right- I DID!!
Here's the story...
Yesterday- at preschool, Justin and I were picking up our kid and I excuse myself to walk down to the bathroom. Not having gone there before- I ask for directions- and halfway listen to them as I figured that I would find it on my own knowing where the general area was.
Well- I walk down this long hall and walk into the bathroom- where the door was proped open, and there was a cleaning cart and I said "hello???" loudly to make sure there wasn't a janitor in there- and so with no answer I walk into the bathroom. I see urinals on one side and stalls on another- I think to myself- "oh that must be because it's a prschool and the teachers have to help take all the little boys so it's a unisex bathroom"
I go onto the first stall and sit down to do my business and I hear someone walk in. Thinking it must be the janitor, I say "hello" from behind the bathroom stall- and I hear a man's voice. Who replys "hello?" and I heard him pee... Then I realize that a man has walked into the bathroom at the same time as me and is using the urinal right beside me while I am using the stall. I said "Oh my god- did I come into the right bathroom?" and I stayed in my stall, He laughs and said "this is the mens bathroom" "I wondered what kinda man would be sitting on the toilet with pink shoes on" and I laugh-still in my stall. I go ahead and finish and said out loud "I'll just wait in here till you say you're done" and then I just started laughing. He said " let's just keep this between us" The toilets both flush and I asked "was he decent" because at this point I am done, with my pants pulled up and my purse on my arm-just standing there ready to bolt down the hall and tell Justin what I have just done. He said yes-and I opened the stall door as I walk into the common area of the bathroom apologizing and asked "who said men and women can't use the bathroom together?-we just made it unisex". He was probably in his later 30's and I have never seen this man before in my life-he evidentally was a dad in the preschool which goes up to 5yr olds so it could have been anyone. When I walk out I look at the door which remember was propped open and look at it this time-I realize that sure enough it reads "men". Then onward I walk back down the long hall from which I came. I look right and left and finally come to the door that reads"women" that I so blindly walked past just minutes before. So when I returned to the crowd huddled by Justin who was helping repair a coat rack- I said "you will NEVER believe what I just did!" and I tell this halarious story. My wonderful Justin replys "yes-I believe it- that would be something you would do".

When will I learn? To keep my big mouth SHUT??

OKay- I have throughly embarrassed myself and have turned myself in "that" girl. The "pysco" girl that everyone avoids- that I avoid! O.M.G. I still days later cannot BELIEVE I did all this- for a lack of a better word- I had "direaha" of the mouth! Again-O.M.G.
So here's the jist of what went down. You see- my bestie is out of town- our schedules have not allowed us much time to "girl" talk and catch up with one another- you girls know how that goes-but anyway- Justin is a close second but hence he's NOT a girl. So I've been starved for attention in the "gf" (girl friend) "bff"(best friends forever) department.
I met someone new- someone that looks pretty promising. A girl-similar in age, and similar interest etc. So I think- Hey this could work out, and we could be friends here(not to take the place of my bestie or anything though) and she and I agreed to do lunch. What do I do- when asked what resturant to meet at? I suggest a NEW local Bistro which my "bestie" introduced me to. Love Love Love this new place on Line Ave. for you locals,but I just was thinking when I suggested it- that it was a pleasant place to go- and personally I liked the "carrot soufle" so much that selfishly wanted to go again and get some more. So we agree to meet at this place a few days later.
I am the first one there and have a table for two waiting- then as I wait- it HITS me! Like a slap in the face- that I look and feel like I'm on a first date with someone, and it dawns on me that this could be cheating. Now follow me here- but I got to thinking there in this restaurant by myself at lunch hour- that since my "best friend" brought me here and introduced me to this joint- that mabe I shouldn't tell her I brought someone else, then I start thinking tht mabe this resturant was a bad idea- maybe we should have gone somewhere else-mabe this place should be reserved for lunches with my bestie- and wondered to myself- if this was CHEATING????
So in walks my date- and my "butch" like self stood up to hug her hello- and offically our date began......
Well- we chat a bit, and move onto ordering- and the convo is going well- then we exchange a little about ourselves, and although she already knew about my heart condition etc, I went into a few more details about the adoption, and answered some questions about it, then came the whopper- I just tottally don't know what I was thinking- but went off and told all my business, I told her all the personal stuff you don't tell your mother- you know all the personal stuff that you only trust with your husband or if your lucky your very close very trusted girlfriend. Now my reasoning for not telling isn't like yours- I don't think anythings a secret. My life is an open book and thats one way- people that know me appriciate me- they know I don't lie because I can't- I can only tell the truth and you take it or leave it. But the point I try and avoid is looking like that "psyco" because when you tell your family business' and air you and your dogs inadaquecies, you come off looking like you have serious family disfunction! Now I am no where above having to admit- my family has it's disfunction- it does, but mostly that part of our family we don't have much to do with. The parts that define our family disfunction- and I -don't speak much anymore in reality. My family is pretty functional now- now years later, that all the dust has settled, so why would I even back track and air all that stale moldy dirty laundry?
I cannot even imagine what I was thinking except A) maybe I felt comfortable with this girl- but B) It could have been that I have not seen that girl friend of mine in awhile so I was subconciously reaching out for that female friendship. So at this point I am starting to think that Iv'e said too much- and thinking there is absolutly NO WAY this chick will want to do ANYTHING with me again. We walk out tward the cars, and bid eachother farewell and say well do this again sometime.
So I drive home and I am thinking I definatly fit the profile of that creeper stalker psyco disfunctional weirdo now at this point and I will NEVER hear from her again, and I tell Justin all about this lunch and he agreed. We figured she was right now telling her husband about the same thing when he asked her how the lunch went- and she was saying- "that this girl ended up being such a weirdo."
So goes on the next few days.....
The more I think about it the more embarrassed I become. The fact that I came across as this crazy girl- and you have to understand- I know that everyone that KNOWS me knows that I AM werid, and even quirky but I'm not a creeper-at least I don't think so normally- so I don't know anything else to blame my actions on except like I told my husband- "It's my heart condition" I was nervous and I know my blood pressure was elevated and the only thing I can figure is that when my blood pressure and heartrate get wacky- I kinda go out of body-I like don't think before I speak (like more so than normal) and I can't control myself-and it gets me all worked up and excited- so since I am so embarrassed on this one-for the very first time I will blame my heart condition for my actions- even though I know the blame falls on my mouth...
So how does the story end? Just like a date-I had something to tell her- an event that we are mutually intrested in is comming up and I had to get her some info and text her. And what happens? She did NOT text me back- hours go by and as each passing hour- Justin would say "Oh Megan- you've really screwed this one up-" or "ohhh she's over there telling her husband this girl is a stalker now-and trying to find a way to get rid of me" and "that you knew Megan, that wasn't appropriate -first date-conversation" and every hour that goes by without a text in reply- I am becomming more and more embarrassed and asking myself why didn't I listen to all those years of advice from my mother? And just think before I speak? Why couldn't I have just smiled and knodded and just let her know the bare essentials and not the moldy dirty laundry?
Then a day later- after I have come to the final conclusion that I will NEVER hear from this chick- I get a response. A positive response, and a plan to see eachother again- so maybe just maybe she was able to look past the "creeper" part of me and see that the true beauty of my character-being truthful!???!!!!

Monday, January 31, 2011

Not stupidity-just a "Meganism"

ok so I've spent a record amount of time thinking about something before I've said it- but got to thinking- If Jessica Simpson, didn't already show the world that a blonde-even bottle blonde can be percieved as stupid in her "tuna, fish of the sea" thing- this will surely put you brunettes all over the edge.
So I will for the sake of mankind-admit to my "blonde" moments for you and your amusement and the embarrassment of my parents. Not myself-because I don't care, I think you can be shall we say "educationally challenged" in certian areas and that doesn't make you stupid. Just shows how little I pay attention-(in that area) but I must say the other day I laughed out loud at myself over this one....
When the weather was bad- I was awake watching the morning news when they got all that snow up north. The news ancor on GMA was talking about how the president even had to detour his travels due to the snow. They were also discussing the snowfall in Boston etc. When they said the president was having a hard time leaving the White House-my eyebrows perked. I thought to myself-my goodness wow- there must have been a snow storm from one side of the US to the other! MY! There must have been snow across the entire country-thinking that Washington state was where the White House was stationed...Seeing as though I've been to Boston-I knew it was on the right upper side of the map, everywhere else is sandwiched in somewhere in there- but being geograpically challenged I usually look at a map if I really wanna know something-but...I thought this entire part of my adult life-that the white house was in Washington State-I thought Washington DC was a part of washington state. Like NY-I see on mail-New York, NY.... But anyway: I know at some point I knew otherwise- I am sure it was on a test somewhere at some point-but these past few adult independant years- I assumed this whole time the president was over in the left upper corner of the united states-so you can imagine my SUPRISE when I realized that morning when viewing the map of the big red dot showing the location of our president and his route home to the white house-over there on the right side of the map. I apparently never cared enough to look into it before now. I mean really- until this very moment- why did I need to really know where the president was? The last time I cared that I can remember was when it was 9/11 and I was in Illinois-outside Chicago fearing my safety and worried for my parents when they showed the presidents location with a big FLASHING red dot on his route to Barksdale Airforce base and thinking "great"- now the terrorist can find him-and my family right there near the base, and my fathers dental office going up in flames when they sent the next plane that way...So since then-I've not had a reason o pay attention.
So right after my as Oprah says "Ahhh ha moment" I called my parents. My mom thought I was joking- and I could hear my father shaking his head through the phone, but as I reminded them: in my highschool Geography class- I didn't pay attention: I met my husband. I honestly think I passed that class because my teacher didn't want us in there again the following year after the hard time we gave the poor man- so I reminded them. My private education wasn't a total waste. I met my husband-the father of my child. It wasn't a total loss.
But nonetheless-it was funny.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

a day of discouragement

KSLA came out this week to do an interview with a "survivor". Hummm. I know I'm a survivor- of "QUOTE-Heart hisease" is what they say- and I know I survived a "cardiac arrest" but it slays me saying I'm a survivor of anything. To me thats suggesting that the battle has been won already. Whne in reality- the battle is beginning and starting over every day it seems. Just days like this past few reminds me of it. I can't seem to ever be normal- if "surviving" heart disease were just that easy- "surviving" the act of "it" itself- would be something mabe-if that makes any sense- but it quite disgust me- because,alothough I've survived acts of "things" I dont feel like I've "survived" anything. I kinda feel like that wasn't even the hard part- the "diagnosis- or the cardiac arrest or the surgery- it seemed like dare I say was the easy part...I feel like on days like today- this-daily living with the "quotes" is definatly the hard part. I have been so tired, and have a sore throat and feel under the wheather latley which just sucks the life -what little I have left-right out of me. I feel like- all the interviews I give and the talks I make and every effort I make will never make people really understand this is the part about "surviving" that sucks- so when I was asked- "do you ever have days where you just feel sorry for yourself?" the answer obviously is yes- I do- like today- I feel sorry for myself. Sorry for my daughter- that even though she may have a mother that "looks like she has it together" underneath it all is just as haggard and worn as the rest of motherhood, if not in reality more. I only have a few good hours in a day it seems anymore- and recently it's become more depressingly obvious that I will never be the same person I used to be even before my cardiac arrest. Although I keep pushing and alothough I try- though hard I do... it is becomming clear to me- that it seems like when I am at just the age where I should be feeling at my prime and full of zest and will to acomplish all that I have ever meant to- I am realizing my gereatric days are more numerous than most. I thought before I turned thirty I'd be out walking my kids in the stroller before my neibhors were up and I'd have breakfast served with my apron on by the time the clock struck 8am. I thought I'd have all the energy in the day to keep my house spotless and my kids bathed,and still look like the model with perfect hair and makeup in the process. Truth of the matter is I feel like I never get enough rest, I am lucky to have had a bath within the week, find some clean cloths in the pile of laundry I keep hidden in the spare room. and must depend on modern hair products like "bump its" and clip in extentions to make myself appear like I actually HAD the energy to care about my appearance. Not to even mention- TRING to find that "energy" to fulfill my duitys as a wife-to my husband-and be that romantic sex goddess I know he THOUGHt he was soposed to marry. Heart Disease or not- I know as moms so many of us fit this catagory-but for once-I just want someone to say-that sucks, that we don't know how you can feel- or how discouraged you can be sometimes- ........

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

bad parenting? I was just "resting" my eyes...

OMG! I offically have neglected my child. I usually am awake the entire time she is;I do'nt have another choice when Justin's at work- it's all on me which means I'm exausted. Still I don't even know how I do it. BUt I apparently fell neglectful for a minute today.
This morning- started off on the wrong foot- my coffee maker apparently didn't have enough coffee in it and it was too watered down so I opted not to drink it, then to my suprise when I went to get a diet coke instead-I realized ALL the cokes we have are decaf. So onward went the day- til naptime (and SG wasn't asleep yet) She was sitting and playing on the floor right beside me- and I was laying down on the couch with my glasses off- and my eyes closed. Just "resting my eyes" as my mammaw used to say- but apparently I did dose off. When I woke up- I sat up and put my glasses on- because without them or contacts Im blind-which is probaby why I did'nt realize she'd done this before that point. But I sat up and looked at what she was playing with and I saw the biggest mess EVER- she had gotten my emergency kit I use for my danceline and gotten EVERYthing out of it- ALL the bandaids which is probably hundereds was opened and disected and strown all over the floor as if she were cracking peanuts. I looked beyond, and low and behold this confetti stretched into the adjancet playroom,and I was so stunned I did'nt really know what to do. Of course I have a lady from KSLA comming to interview me for a tv appearance to promote awareness for the upcomming AHA"Go Red" event for heart disease. But at any rate- I would like my house to be presentable. Of course she does this today. So I am obviously so tired that I just picked her up- and put her in her crib and closed the door- I was so mad at her and myself for letting her do it- that I just walked out and closed the door and told her it was naptime. I usually am much more considerate than that. She cried and I told her shen she woke up she'd have to clean it. So we both did what we needed and took a nap. After we both got up- I gave her a trashbag and told her she would have to clean it, that it's not fair to me to have to clean a mess I didn't make- I am reasoning with a two year old I realize but it's worth a shot. So with so much to still get done on my agenda today-I've got to supervise this cleanup. It looks like shes one of those jailbaits on the chain gang going to pick up trash on community service. Thats what this reminds me of: making her clean this makes me feel like I'm mistreating her-but I know part of me knows I'm making her realize responsibility for her actions. So as it approaches late afternoon...I am letting my prisoner take a break and watch Elmo. So I wonder- was the act of me fallling asleep-bad parenting? or is the act of making her clean this mess bad parenting? I wonder if I'm considered neglectful. How come when it's something you did'nt do -when it involves your kids- you end up feeling guilty anyway? I promise-I was only "resting" my eyes......

Monday, January 24, 2011

the color of my skin is beautiful

Ive been so wrapped up in how people percieve SG- I have not though till now what SG might feel about me. My 10 year highschool reunion is comming up this year- can you believe I am that old?? Its been 9 years since we got married and over 6years since we lived in Illinois. Goodness how time flys by. Well anyway-I was thinking -Oh Ive got to do this- Ive got to do that, Ill have to make sure my nails and hair is done soon before because I always have had fake nails and fake blonde hair since then- and then I was thinking Ill need to start tanning again. So I dont see anything wrong with wanting to look tan in a swimsuit- I have no problem with someone(and me) using a tanning bed- as long as its not in extreme-but I think you ought to be able to go make that choice without people judging you-but I got to thinking- well even though I love being tan- and it makes me feel better about myself, and if it just so happened to fall in the summertimme- chances are Ill be tan, but I usually do go to a tanning bed in the summer- YES yall! and let me tell you why: With my heart condition- extreme heat and heat in general- aka sweating etc can be a trigger for me and cause me to pass out- you know passing out for me- isnt just loosing conciousness- I actually have my blood pressure drop to like stroke level and before I have a stroke I pass out- so the tanning bed is a good quick not to hot way for me to get tan- by not having to lay in the heat all day by the pool- and with a baby- who can do that anymore these days? But back to the tan baby Ive got I have wanted her to grow up knowing how beautiful she is- even if she is diffrent from some people in her family- mabe she does have darker tan skin that hawaiaiian tan we all long for-but I want her to know its beautiful- that is the way God made her and its beautiful- God made her this way for a reason. It wasnt an accident- she wasnt an accident, God used the sperm and egg He knew would make this baby- and He knew all along we would be her parents-and she wasn't given to us at a discounted price or anything because someone didnt want her- she was very wanted- and loved. and still is- she is loved by her biological family as well- they loved her and wanted her as much as us- just loved her enough to give her the best they could offer- that she with us could have a mother and a father and the best we could give- not because we just got her out of the dumpster or something because she was disguarded. I have heard people say that- oh thats sad- her birth mother didnt want her- and thats NOT true at all- if she were in the position where she could give her a family and a chance at this life she would have- but she made the ultimate sacrifice for the daughter she carried... So saying all that- I feel strongly as you can see about SG knowing shes diffrent- and beautiful for a reason- keep it that way- be proud, so brings me back to thinking about the tanning thing- if God wanted me to be that color- he would have meade me that color- yes granted He gave us as humans the intelligence to make tanning beds- but my point is- that if I am tring to teach SG all these things about herslef- I need to live by them- dont I? God chose me and Justin as fair skinned as we both are- and brought us together as a family so we could related to the masses- and just as much as I think SG was chosen for this purpose- I got to thinking- isnt that the same thing my mother was tring to say when I wanted a boob job when I was younger and the tanning factor now- so I wonder- am I becomming mature now- or am I becomming my mother?

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Church-by myself

Its hard to go to church when Justin's not home- A) if Satan had his way- we would still be sleeping- B) Its just plain hard to get a toddler out the door on time for anything- especially when ur named Megan! Heavens...but I was thinking- that I should probably talk about all this small trival stuff- so it may help someone sometime. The one thing Ive learned- God can use ANYTHING!
So Ive bee awake since 4am, if God wants to talk to me-He usually has me wake up by then- mostly3am though- and this morning was4. so it beggs me to wonder if it was HIm or if I just couldnt sleep alone very well- youd have to know- it gets kinda creepy in this house being the only "responsible" But anyhow-I wonder did God wake me this morning? Or was it the devil? The Devil- tring to make me tired so Ill say- Im not going- or God makinging sure I was awake before so I didn't have an excuse. Well- the devil and angel are on either side of my shoulder. So which do I do? I think Ill go on and go with my parents to their church today- I hate going alone to any church. You know I feel like no matter where I go when Im alone with SG people stare and if they know Im married they think -Well isnt that sad- he husband isnt saved so he wont come with her- like they have pity on me or if they look at me like Im not married because I look like Im 18 or 19 and sometimes maybe 21-anyway I look young enough to be the Nanny-and they all think I'm the unwed pregnant teen...and take pity on me.So face it- its the truth. I hate going to church alone- except as I write this God is saying in my head(well I think its God/Holy Spirit-its the loud voice I hear in my head)saying that you are NEVER really alone- especially in church. You have Jesus- with you. As long as your saved- saved is saved and you are always a child of God- and no one can chage that noting can change that-not even my subconcious devil Im imagining. I guess- for now- Ill plan to have a nap after church and lunch- hopefully this cup of coffee I am about to pur will help me get going-
Ive got at least 4hours till church today- so I have no excuses right?!lol

New To this blogging stuff

ok so heres the first one! You all have been asking for it- and here it is- MY Meganisms Blog! So Hope you enjoy- hearing what Ive got to say- what I think and why- or don't care- what does it matter? Ill start by telling you all to go to Graceicakes with Glistening Grace on Facebook to catch up on stuff .