Wednesday, May 11, 2011

The 2yrs worth of housework finally has caught up with me...the price I pay for the memories I've made.

you know- I look around this mess of a house- and was getting overwhelmed a bit-wondering how in the world we aquired all this stuff.All this stuff thats not relavant,where did it all come from? I keep pulling things from the cabinets and closets I haven't seen in years, and then it hits me-I remember, for the past two years I have been shoving everything in those cabinets and closets.
Back when I told myself- that these days of Sara-Grace being so small I could rock to sleep- and the days that she's begging for me to hold her-I told myself it would be just a moment in time-that I'd never get back and I wasn't wasting any of those precious moments on house work-the house work would still be there-I'd say: and sure enough, now these days she can put herself to bed- and doesn't need to be held as often, and is becomming more independant has left me more time to actually aknowledge the mess I've closed the door to this entire time. So now, yes now- two years later-I am finally catching up on the past two years of housework-organizing and purging.In the grand scheme of things- that dirty floor, that I chose not to mop-because Sara-Grace said "Mommy hold me" and I did...I'm just so glad I went against my instincts-and I chose the time with my baby-I would so regret looking back now wishing that I'd waited on cleaning the bathroom just to get that one night back to rock her to sleep-I can honestly say-I don't have a moment in Sara-Grace's life I wish I could get back- and do again, I can look back and know I didn't miss anything, I don't wish I'd done anything diffrent, I have cherished every single moment and second that God has given to me with this precious child of mine. I am so grateful to have a husband-who ,didn't demand perfection from me, and who works so hard to provide a life that I can stay home and be here with our baby, if it meant we had to live in a cardboard box-I'd still stay home, to be here with her for every moment I begged God for . So to all the new mothers: yes it's true- the time with your baby is so limited, enjoy and cherish it. The sleepless nights are to be moments you thank God for-when you rock them back to sleep-but as they say "the housework will still be there" and I am a testiment-in the long run it's worth it-but my advice is to plan on budgeting for a maid when your finally ready to get

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Mother's Day in a Hooters shirt...

Sitting on my back steps wearing a Hooter's of New Orleans shirt, I'm watching my husband and daughter use sidewalk chalk-I'm thinking about Mother's Day tomorrow, and thinking it's probably not appropriate to leave my house now in it. Funny-I really didn't know how having children would change your entire way of thinking. Thinking about how you'd embarrass them-or yourself-thinking about "being somebody's mother". Meaning even when I'm out and about with out her-I still have to think"I'm somebodys mother" and so I gotta dress and act like it-when shes with me or not. I like the best of them-like flattering cloths, and"good fitted"tops, and never minded showing off what "God let me buy" but-I don't know if it's finding GOd again, or being the mother or both, or maybe getting old, but I'm glad to have someone to embarrass, and I like having to sensor my conversationsa dn tv-because without all the little things,like the broken up crayons and undressed baby dolls that lay naked all over my house, and the pile of stinky diapers that stay outside my door almost all the time-It would mean I didn't have this...all this-looking around, THIS is exactly what I asked for.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Jealous or Just on my own...

Its seems like when my Justin comes home- I'm busier than ever-I thought it would be the other way around, where I'd get a break. But No...I am happy when he's home though, he is truly my best friend and I can tell him anything. Really-we tell eachother everything. This go round,we made a promise to not have any secrets, and so we are not bound by the lies that we so often tell ourself to try and justify our actions. I love that about him. I have heard from other friends that are married that do not tell eachother everything-and I used to fit in that know this year we will have been together as longs as we were apart, meaning we were just 15 when we started dating-and being thirty this next year-it's hard to believe it's been that long.But to stand the test of time-we must be doing something right. I imagine it's our friendship. It's hard when he's at work-because I don't have him at my disposal-and til now,have depended mostly on my parents. But my parents seem to be busy with their own lifes,and I have been shifted to the back of the priority list. It's occured to me that reaching this milestone, that one would have expected it sooner-but truthfully-I did'nt expect it at all. I was the type person when everything eventfull happened to me-I called my dear mother to share the news. Our family dynamic has changed though and although I totally understand why,I am suprised and hurt. I'm sure some don't have pity for me-but you have to admit,that it's reasonable for me to feel shafted. To spare you all the details, my mother had us three kids by her first husband. My father-her second husband-adopted me when I was younger-and I was raised like an only child. My brother and sister are 11 and 15 years older than me, and have had kids of their own a long time ago-so we have never had too much in common, until I got Sara-Grace. In fact I remember my highschool graduation and my sister flew in from Misourri and I had some of my own friends say-"I didn't know you had a sister" such as the story of my life. But now for whatever reason-my brothers two oldest children are living with my parents-and bless their hearts-need all the attention I imagine. I have to say though I feel shafted. I will go to my parents house-and it seems like there is an argument every time I go-and it's always "my fault" usually my "attitude". I continued to go over-and call. But as of this morning-it's finally dawned on me that I am growing up. I have a friend that I said I knew was brought into my life because she was so much like me-in her own way we had alot in common. I always have said that I knew she was a part of my life because when I lost my mother-she'd be the one I talk to. I sopose she'd be the one to call over my stupid little funny things. But this morning-it came to me that it might be that God sent her to me for this moment right here. I am soposed to be in a meeting in a few hours and she was soposed to come with me-my mother that is-and she informed me this morning that she was busy with something else today. Now why she couldn't have told me this yesterday or the day before when I was over there-I do not know. So after spending the morning in tears I have decided that I will pick myself by my bootstraps-and depend on God. I think that I am definatly sad over my mom- and I feel like she owed me an explaination-and I know she's been put in an odd situation-but I can't help but feel resentful. I am resentful to my brother for getting to the point that he would allow his children to life with anyone other than himself-and to put the responsibility on "my" parents financially and "time" wise was selfish. I am very angry at him- and I don't know in light of everythin thats gone one- if I will ever be able to forgive him. But I must say that I feel resentful tward his kids. Aweful-I know. but it's the truth. They are "my" parents. It seems like ever since they have had the kids(who are teenagers by the way) they are too busy for me. The thing is- that one of my concerns-is the fact that my parents will spend all this energy and then later have the rug pulled out from under them. Again. I mean-my parents have never had the relationship between my siblings-as they have with me, and I have been used to it. Why shouldn't I be. I have been the number one priority for how many years now-and the apple so to speak of both their eyes- but now I feel like theyv'e moved on. My worldly side- and my natural reaction is to be vindictive-and angry-and keep my child from attending the preschool where my mother teaches. And my reaction is to be mad at all of them-I do feel like Iv'e had a loss though. I am grieving this loss of my childhood-which seems to have all started with the dumb dog. I'm saying that since my dear Angel went onto be with the Lord- I have been resisting the change. The change in the perception of my life. The dog represented the child like me- she was a part of my every memory with my husband. Whn I've been alone- even though I have another dog- I depended on her to keep me company. 14 years worth of company- and whn I moved to Illinois a few years I did have to go for a brief time without her-but I eventually brought her along. So in essence the dog was my saftey net. Now I kinda feel like I'm alone. I will recognize that the Holy Spirt is telling me that I am not alone. And I can do this- I can be the mother of this house. Like my husband said- I am the one that he and Sara-Grace depend on. And as much as I depended on my parents- now I have to be the "mother". I am the glue that hold "this family" together. Like my husband said we are a family. We are my family. This is my family. here-is where I belong. being the backbone of this household- and isn't that our goal. In most instances-what we all want to achieve. I did anyway-I wanted to be the housewife-and the mother. I always said that's what I wanted to be- and now, it's just now occured to me that- instead of me "becomming" this mom-this wife-and this glue that holds "this family" together-I already "AM"...