Saturday, January 29, 2011

a day of discouragement

KSLA came out this week to do an interview with a "survivor". Hummm. I know I'm a survivor- of "QUOTE-Heart hisease" is what they say- and I know I survived a "cardiac arrest" but it slays me saying I'm a survivor of anything. To me thats suggesting that the battle has been won already. Whne in reality- the battle is beginning and starting over every day it seems. Just days like this past few reminds me of it. I can't seem to ever be normal- if "surviving" heart disease were just that easy- "surviving" the act of "it" itself- would be something mabe-if that makes any sense- but it quite disgust me- because,alothough I've survived acts of "things" I dont feel like I've "survived" anything. I kinda feel like that wasn't even the hard part- the "diagnosis- or the cardiac arrest or the surgery- it seemed like dare I say was the easy part...I feel like on days like today- this-daily living with the "quotes" is definatly the hard part. I have been so tired, and have a sore throat and feel under the wheather latley which just sucks the life -what little I have left-right out of me. I feel like- all the interviews I give and the talks I make and every effort I make will never make people really understand this is the part about "surviving" that sucks- so when I was asked- "do you ever have days where you just feel sorry for yourself?" the answer obviously is yes- I do- like today- I feel sorry for myself. Sorry for my daughter- that even though she may have a mother that "looks like she has it together" underneath it all is just as haggard and worn as the rest of motherhood, if not in reality more. I only have a few good hours in a day it seems anymore- and recently it's become more depressingly obvious that I will never be the same person I used to be even before my cardiac arrest. Although I keep pushing and alothough I try- though hard I do... it is becomming clear to me- that it seems like when I am at just the age where I should be feeling at my prime and full of zest and will to acomplish all that I have ever meant to- I am realizing my gereatric days are more numerous than most. I thought before I turned thirty I'd be out walking my kids in the stroller before my neibhors were up and I'd have breakfast served with my apron on by the time the clock struck 8am. I thought I'd have all the energy in the day to keep my house spotless and my kids bathed,and still look like the model with perfect hair and makeup in the process. Truth of the matter is I feel like I never get enough rest, I am lucky to have had a bath within the week, find some clean cloths in the pile of laundry I keep hidden in the spare room. and must depend on modern hair products like "bump its" and clip in extentions to make myself appear like I actually HAD the energy to care about my appearance. Not to even mention- TRING to find that "energy" to fulfill my duitys as a wife-to my husband-and be that romantic sex goddess I know he THOUGHt he was soposed to marry. Heart Disease or not- I know as moms so many of us fit this catagory-but for once-I just want someone to say-that sucks, that we don't know how you can feel- or how discouraged you can be sometimes- ........

No comments:

Post a Comment