Monday, January 31, 2011

Not stupidity-just a "Meganism"

ok so I've spent a record amount of time thinking about something before I've said it- but got to thinking- If Jessica Simpson, didn't already show the world that a blonde-even bottle blonde can be percieved as stupid in her "tuna, fish of the sea" thing- this will surely put you brunettes all over the edge.
So I will for the sake of mankind-admit to my "blonde" moments for you and your amusement and the embarrassment of my parents. Not myself-because I don't care, I think you can be shall we say "educationally challenged" in certian areas and that doesn't make you stupid. Just shows how little I pay attention-(in that area) but I must say the other day I laughed out loud at myself over this one....
When the weather was bad- I was awake watching the morning news when they got all that snow up north. The news ancor on GMA was talking about how the president even had to detour his travels due to the snow. They were also discussing the snowfall in Boston etc. When they said the president was having a hard time leaving the White House-my eyebrows perked. I thought to myself-my goodness wow- there must have been a snow storm from one side of the US to the other! MY! There must have been snow across the entire country-thinking that Washington state was where the White House was stationed...Seeing as though I've been to Boston-I knew it was on the right upper side of the map, everywhere else is sandwiched in somewhere in there- but being geograpically challenged I usually look at a map if I really wanna know something-but...I thought this entire part of my adult life-that the white house was in Washington State-I thought Washington DC was a part of washington state. Like NY-I see on mail-New York, NY.... But anyway: I know at some point I knew otherwise- I am sure it was on a test somewhere at some point-but these past few adult independant years- I assumed this whole time the president was over in the left upper corner of the united states-so you can imagine my SUPRISE when I realized that morning when viewing the map of the big red dot showing the location of our president and his route home to the white house-over there on the right side of the map. I apparently never cared enough to look into it before now. I mean really- until this very moment- why did I need to really know where the president was? The last time I cared that I can remember was when it was 9/11 and I was in Illinois-outside Chicago fearing my safety and worried for my parents when they showed the presidents location with a big FLASHING red dot on his route to Barksdale Airforce base and thinking "great"- now the terrorist can find him-and my family right there near the base, and my fathers dental office going up in flames when they sent the next plane that way...So since then-I've not had a reason o pay attention.
So right after my as Oprah says "Ahhh ha moment" I called my parents. My mom thought I was joking- and I could hear my father shaking his head through the phone, but as I reminded them: in my highschool Geography class- I didn't pay attention: I met my husband. I honestly think I passed that class because my teacher didn't want us in there again the following year after the hard time we gave the poor man- so I reminded them. My private education wasn't a total waste. I met my husband-the father of my child. It wasn't a total loss.
But nonetheless-it was funny.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

a day of discouragement

KSLA came out this week to do an interview with a "survivor". Hummm. I know I'm a survivor- of "QUOTE-Heart hisease" is what they say- and I know I survived a "cardiac arrest" but it slays me saying I'm a survivor of anything. To me thats suggesting that the battle has been won already. Whne in reality- the battle is beginning and starting over every day it seems. Just days like this past few reminds me of it. I can't seem to ever be normal- if "surviving" heart disease were just that easy- "surviving" the act of "it" itself- would be something mabe-if that makes any sense- but it quite disgust me- because,alothough I've survived acts of "things" I dont feel like I've "survived" anything. I kinda feel like that wasn't even the hard part- the "diagnosis- or the cardiac arrest or the surgery- it seemed like dare I say was the easy part...I feel like on days like today- this-daily living with the "quotes" is definatly the hard part. I have been so tired, and have a sore throat and feel under the wheather latley which just sucks the life -what little I have left-right out of me. I feel like- all the interviews I give and the talks I make and every effort I make will never make people really understand this is the part about "surviving" that sucks- so when I was asked- "do you ever have days where you just feel sorry for yourself?" the answer obviously is yes- I do- like today- I feel sorry for myself. Sorry for my daughter- that even though she may have a mother that "looks like she has it together" underneath it all is just as haggard and worn as the rest of motherhood, if not in reality more. I only have a few good hours in a day it seems anymore- and recently it's become more depressingly obvious that I will never be the same person I used to be even before my cardiac arrest. Although I keep pushing and alothough I try- though hard I do... it is becomming clear to me- that it seems like when I am at just the age where I should be feeling at my prime and full of zest and will to acomplish all that I have ever meant to- I am realizing my gereatric days are more numerous than most. I thought before I turned thirty I'd be out walking my kids in the stroller before my neibhors were up and I'd have breakfast served with my apron on by the time the clock struck 8am. I thought I'd have all the energy in the day to keep my house spotless and my kids bathed,and still look like the model with perfect hair and makeup in the process. Truth of the matter is I feel like I never get enough rest, I am lucky to have had a bath within the week, find some clean cloths in the pile of laundry I keep hidden in the spare room. and must depend on modern hair products like "bump its" and clip in extentions to make myself appear like I actually HAD the energy to care about my appearance. Not to even mention- TRING to find that "energy" to fulfill my duitys as a wife-to my husband-and be that romantic sex goddess I know he THOUGHt he was soposed to marry. Heart Disease or not- I know as moms so many of us fit this catagory-but for once-I just want someone to say-that sucks, that we don't know how you can feel- or how discouraged you can be sometimes- ........

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

bad parenting? I was just "resting" my eyes...

OMG! I offically have neglected my child. I usually am awake the entire time she is;I do'nt have another choice when Justin's at work- it's all on me which means I'm exausted. Still I don't even know how I do it. BUt I apparently fell neglectful for a minute today.
This morning- started off on the wrong foot- my coffee maker apparently didn't have enough coffee in it and it was too watered down so I opted not to drink it, then to my suprise when I went to get a diet coke instead-I realized ALL the cokes we have are decaf. So onward went the day- til naptime (and SG wasn't asleep yet) She was sitting and playing on the floor right beside me- and I was laying down on the couch with my glasses off- and my eyes closed. Just "resting my eyes" as my mammaw used to say- but apparently I did dose off. When I woke up- I sat up and put my glasses on- because without them or contacts Im blind-which is probaby why I did'nt realize she'd done this before that point. But I sat up and looked at what she was playing with and I saw the biggest mess EVER- she had gotten my emergency kit I use for my danceline and gotten EVERYthing out of it- ALL the bandaids which is probably hundereds was opened and disected and strown all over the floor as if she were cracking peanuts. I looked beyond, and low and behold this confetti stretched into the adjancet playroom,and I was so stunned I did'nt really know what to do. Of course I have a lady from KSLA comming to interview me for a tv appearance to promote awareness for the upcomming AHA"Go Red" event for heart disease. But at any rate- I would like my house to be presentable. Of course she does this today. So I am obviously so tired that I just picked her up- and put her in her crib and closed the door- I was so mad at her and myself for letting her do it- that I just walked out and closed the door and told her it was naptime. I usually am much more considerate than that. She cried and I told her shen she woke up she'd have to clean it. So we both did what we needed and took a nap. After we both got up- I gave her a trashbag and told her she would have to clean it, that it's not fair to me to have to clean a mess I didn't make- I am reasoning with a two year old I realize but it's worth a shot. So with so much to still get done on my agenda today-I've got to supervise this cleanup. It looks like shes one of those jailbaits on the chain gang going to pick up trash on community service. Thats what this reminds me of: making her clean this makes me feel like I'm mistreating her-but I know part of me knows I'm making her realize responsibility for her actions. So as it approaches late afternoon...I am letting my prisoner take a break and watch Elmo. So I wonder- was the act of me fallling asleep-bad parenting? or is the act of making her clean this mess bad parenting? I wonder if I'm considered neglectful. How come when it's something you did'nt do -when it involves your kids- you end up feeling guilty anyway? I promise-I was only "resting" my eyes......

Monday, January 24, 2011

the color of my skin is beautiful

Ive been so wrapped up in how people percieve SG- I have not though till now what SG might feel about me. My 10 year highschool reunion is comming up this year- can you believe I am that old?? Its been 9 years since we got married and over 6years since we lived in Illinois. Goodness how time flys by. Well anyway-I was thinking -Oh Ive got to do this- Ive got to do that, Ill have to make sure my nails and hair is done soon before because I always have had fake nails and fake blonde hair since then- and then I was thinking Ill need to start tanning again. So I dont see anything wrong with wanting to look tan in a swimsuit- I have no problem with someone(and me) using a tanning bed- as long as its not in extreme-but I think you ought to be able to go make that choice without people judging you-but I got to thinking- well even though I love being tan- and it makes me feel better about myself, and if it just so happened to fall in the summertimme- chances are Ill be tan, but I usually do go to a tanning bed in the summer- YES yall! and let me tell you why: With my heart condition- extreme heat and heat in general- aka sweating etc can be a trigger for me and cause me to pass out- you know passing out for me- isnt just loosing conciousness- I actually have my blood pressure drop to like stroke level and before I have a stroke I pass out- so the tanning bed is a good quick not to hot way for me to get tan- by not having to lay in the heat all day by the pool- and with a baby- who can do that anymore these days? But back to the tan baby Ive got I have wanted her to grow up knowing how beautiful she is- even if she is diffrent from some people in her family- mabe she does have darker tan skin that hawaiaiian tan we all long for-but I want her to know its beautiful- that is the way God made her and its beautiful- God made her this way for a reason. It wasnt an accident- she wasnt an accident, God used the sperm and egg He knew would make this baby- and He knew all along we would be her parents-and she wasn't given to us at a discounted price or anything because someone didnt want her- she was very wanted- and loved. and still is- she is loved by her biological family as well- they loved her and wanted her as much as us- just loved her enough to give her the best they could offer- that she with us could have a mother and a father and the best we could give- not because we just got her out of the dumpster or something because she was disguarded. I have heard people say that- oh thats sad- her birth mother didnt want her- and thats NOT true at all- if she were in the position where she could give her a family and a chance at this life she would have- but she made the ultimate sacrifice for the daughter she carried... So saying all that- I feel strongly as you can see about SG knowing shes diffrent- and beautiful for a reason- keep it that way- be proud, so brings me back to thinking about the tanning thing- if God wanted me to be that color- he would have meade me that color- yes granted He gave us as humans the intelligence to make tanning beds- but my point is- that if I am tring to teach SG all these things about herslef- I need to live by them- dont I? God chose me and Justin as fair skinned as we both are- and brought us together as a family so we could related to the masses- and just as much as I think SG was chosen for this purpose- I got to thinking- isnt that the same thing my mother was tring to say when I wanted a boob job when I was younger and the tanning factor now- so I wonder- am I becomming mature now- or am I becomming my mother?

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Church-by myself

Its hard to go to church when Justin's not home- A) if Satan had his way- we would still be sleeping- B) Its just plain hard to get a toddler out the door on time for anything- especially when ur named Megan! Heavens...but I was thinking- that I should probably talk about all this small trival stuff- so it may help someone sometime. The one thing Ive learned- God can use ANYTHING!
So Ive bee awake since 4am, if God wants to talk to me-He usually has me wake up by then- mostly3am though- and this morning was4. so it beggs me to wonder if it was HIm or if I just couldnt sleep alone very well- youd have to know- it gets kinda creepy in this house being the only "responsible" But anyhow-I wonder did God wake me this morning? Or was it the devil? The Devil- tring to make me tired so Ill say- Im not going- or God makinging sure I was awake before so I didn't have an excuse. Well- the devil and angel are on either side of my shoulder. So which do I do? I think Ill go on and go with my parents to their church today- I hate going alone to any church. You know I feel like no matter where I go when Im alone with SG people stare and if they know Im married they think -Well isnt that sad- he husband isnt saved so he wont come with her- like they have pity on me or if they look at me like Im not married because I look like Im 18 or 19 and sometimes maybe 21-anyway I look young enough to be the Nanny-and they all think I'm the unwed pregnant teen...and take pity on me.So face it- its the truth. I hate going to church alone- except as I write this God is saying in my head(well I think its God/Holy Spirit-its the loud voice I hear in my head)saying that you are NEVER really alone- especially in church. You have Jesus- with you. As long as your saved- saved is saved and you are always a child of God- and no one can chage that noting can change that-not even my subconcious devil Im imagining. I guess- for now- Ill plan to have a nap after church and lunch- hopefully this cup of coffee I am about to pur will help me get going-
Ive got at least 4hours till church today- so I have no excuses right?!lol

New To this blogging stuff

ok so heres the first one! You all have been asking for it- and here it is- MY Meganisms Blog! So Hope you enjoy- hearing what Ive got to say- what I think and why- or don't care- what does it matter? Ill start by telling you all to go to Graceicakes with Glistening Grace on Facebook to catch up on stuff .