Tuesday, April 19, 2011

The adult me-that's evolving-sometimes suprises even me...

If I could make a face using a colon and parenthesis showing you my fingers in my ears and steam coming out behind them, with my eyes quenched up and my tongue out- I would be beginning this post with one...
Don't ask me why- because I've asked myself and I can't seem to really answer my own question. I'm at a place currently - where, I have really been adjusting to the changes in my household. I have no longer my constant companion- (my dead dog-Angel) and now for the first time in nearly 14years am adjusting to NOT having my first born furry child.
It seems that every thing sad in my life, the loss of the two pregnancy's the loss of my fertility, my health and the loss of some friendships and family members in the last 8-10years have all just accumulated and I haven't dealt with any of the sadness or loss until now. I feel like for the first time in my life- that I have had to take some accountability for my actions.With the loss of our shared dog- it's the end of an era, the end of the child like part of ourselves and our relationship. The loss of Angel-is the end of us as kids- and the beginning to being parents to a human baby this go round, and being the grown up versions of ourselves.
It's easy for me to always blame my husband for all my craziness when we were in college-meaning: I was very sheltered until I met him- he taught me many ways of the world, and I often will convince myself that I would have never jumped off the deep end- if he hadn't first. So there has been a level of accountability that I have not taken accountability for. So it seems that somehow- in loosing our dog, it has triggered something in me. I don't know if it's the act of making the first real adult decision in having her put to sleep and having done that has aided me into feeling more adult minded. It was a very grown up decision to decide to do that (how's that for a "run on" sentence?!) But nonetheless- I've been giving my past a little review, and realizing that I need to take ownership for my past decisions, good and bad.
And in this prayerful meditation- the Holy Spirit keeps reminding me that "once you are saved-you are always saved" Once you are a parent- you have unconditional love for your child- and now I can see how God has unconditional love for us as His children. So in taking a look at my prior convictions- as the devil tries to tell me-I'm worthless-and not good, and damaged merchandise. The Lord keeps reminding me that I AM as pure as the freshly fallen snow. That His Son He sent to us- washed me clean of anything I could ever regret or be embarrassed or feel guilty for. So as my flesh wants to harbor on the negative things, and beat myself up- and tell myself I do not deserve this life or my child or my marriage, the Lord keeps instilling in me- that I am forgiven- all has been forsaken,and since Jesus has taken my sin and my embarrassment and my guilt- I have nothing to be shameful of. So I can be joyful in the Lord, I can be joyful for what I do have, and I do not owe anything to be able to live freely. I don't have to sit and wonder when the rug will be pulled out from under us- and these blessings will be snatched away from us. God has forgiven me-and the debt has been paid- and I as the child of God that I am- do not owe any debts because my Father bailed me out already..."There is joy in the presence of the angels of God when one sinner changes his heart and his life." Luke 15:10 NCV.(my daily devotional today- funny how God gives you what you need- when you need it)

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