As Christians we are taught that everything bad, everything wrong, every shred of doubt worry or anxiety comes from the one whose sole purpose is to Steal, Kill, and Destroy. He is none other than the trouble maker, the temptation wrought fallen angel. Satan himself.
I was taking my Sara-Grace to her K4 program this morning, a morning that should have left me reeling with love and satisfaction and pride in getting us this far, maybe even a few tears-to cry for the Momma in me who sees the new born infant placed in my arms, and now sees a beautifully growing four year old. One would think, I would be all consumed with feelings of emotional imbalance from sending her off on this first day of PreK or in satisfaction in knowing I'm getting a schedule back and a routine rather than a fly by the seat of your pants kinda summer, I became wrought...with fear, aniety, and doubt.
I began to in the midst of my normal emotions, have thoughts of sadness. Sadness for the fact that it's me, alone. The sole parent to do all these things with her and for her. Although the burden is lifted for me, with the loving support of my family. The horrible thought crept in-of what if THIS IS IT? What is I'm it? What if I don't ever find love again, what if I am a SINGLE MOTHER for the rest of her life? What THEN? Panic stricken driving her to school I put on the Klove Christian radio station and hoped that the feelings of failure and self worth would subside, but it didn't. As I drove her all I could think about was me, selfishly me. And who will want me? I'm at the age where the single population of men either have been divorced and come with children or they have never been married and want children. How do I know that any of them will want me? and my child. Not just love me, but adore me-and my quirky honest no holds barr kinda way about me? Then I thought-I am lovable, I have that kind of personality that is outgoing and can usually find common ground with anyone-so for a moment I thought to myself. I'll be fine. Someone will love me... but will someone ove my child the way I do? will someone step up and be the Father to her? Will anyone ever see her the way I see her-? Will they see the blessing in her existence? Or will they see it as a baggage, like oh" yes I like Megan-and in order to like Megan or marry Megan I have to take on the responsibility of her four year old too...will they see that as a good thing? Truthfully?? I don't know, men who don't have kids...will they be satisfied in knowing that SG could be it?! That it's not like "oh we can always have more children together" because thats not so...
See as women we are born to the baby carriers-what if they find out I can't do that, what if they realize the cost of adoption and they are not open to more? I am so intent and satisfied with my one! would he? I see myself with more, some days, but would he? Adoption is a scary and expensive road, is it something he would want or I would want? What if he has kids too? Whats gonna happen if the kids and my kid don't get along? Whats gonna happen to my SG if she suddenly has siblings when she's never had them before. What's gonna happen if we decide to adopt later-will SG feel replaced? not sufficient? She's gonna struggle with that already. What in the world do I have to offer any man at this point except: Me and my Daughter. Will that be enough? Is it possible for a man to really want us both? and mean it? How will I know he means it? How will I know he's not like some of the others out there that just make an effort to love your child until they make you fall in love with them? OMG How will I know? How do I trust that? How can I trust him? How will I decipher all the feelings of guilt in asking him to provide for us both, asking him to be responsible for us both?
As I'm rattling all these thoughts-I calmly walk in to the school as if the chaotic questions are not bouncing around in my head. I put on a brave face, even though I wanted to cry. I held myself together in the sentiment of this being the start of a new school season- and SG is from a "broken" family. And I kiss her good bye, wish her a good day, and began to walk out.
It strikes me...I do have THAT man. THAT man who will wake me up every morning, and remind me of the beauty of my struggle. THE man, who will calm my fears, who will drown my sorrows and will lift me up on the days I am too weak to carry us. THAT man who is the perfect mate. THAT man who is the perfect father. THE man who will set an example for my child. THAT man who will make sure my standards are HIGH. THE man, who won't let me settle. THE man who will love Sara-Grace with a love even her Mother can't give. I already have THAT man. There is NO need to look any further. My defeat has been broken, my emptiness has been substituted with satisfaction. My anxiety has been delivered, my fears have vanished.
HE is the exact opposite of the one who came to steal my joy this morning, HIS salvation is what saves me from that one who wants to kill me. HIS love and grace and mercy can repair any obstacle that was sent to destroy me...
I am reminded this morning-that any relationship needs One on One time. Needs to be nourished with time with the other. You need getaways, a honeymoon period, a time to fall in love. A time to build a foundation and trust and friendship. I am reminded of the times I have set aside by myself with Him. The proof in the letters He has written just for me. The times I have Him in music. The times I can dance in His presence. The journey I've gone back to-to renew my vows with HIM!
This-I'm guessing is what they call, revelation. That light bulb moment. One of the moments you look back on a realize-it finally just sunk in. THIS is what they have been talking about...
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